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Where did they all go?

So, this is Kayla, the host, speaking right now. I just got out of my third hospitalization where a doctor told me that I 'don't follow specific characteristics of people with multiple personalities or with dissociative identity' and said that because I can communicate with my other personalities it means that its all just my imagination and that I made it up a long time ago and have pretending for so long that it's become real. He also said that because I've never been abused that there's pretty much no way I'm MPD/DID. He basically forced me to tell him that they were all just my imagination with the threat of going to a residential treatment facility. After lying through my teeth and saying that I made it all up, he put me on some serious medication because even though he thinks its just my imagination he wants to treat me for the voices anyway. So now I can't hear them at all. None of them. Even the good ones that help me. And none of them can front or anything. I can't see them any more in my head either. Its like their whole world is just...gone. I don't know what to do with myself...
Has anyone else ever had a doctor tell them this? Or ever had this happen to them?

UPDATE: I'm gonna go ahead and answer a few of the questions and things that have been brought up and offered to me real quick.
1. Thank you all so much for you help and support! It's nice to know that at least SOMEONE doesn't think I'm a liar...
2. I do not have to see that doctor ever again. He was just the doctor for the hospital I was in at the time and not my real doctor. But he is the second doctor that's told me that same story and my real doctor barely gives me the time of day...
3. I don't need to wean myself off the drugs because the doctor is weaning me off them. After I 'admitted' that I had 'lied' he said he would slowly take me off the Risperdole or something like that, I can't spell all these crazy drug names so I just sounded that out haha
4. One specific personality, Sophie, does self-harm and is the whole reason I got sent to that hospital in the first place. TRIGGER WARNING She tried to hang herself in the school bathroom and got mobile crisis called. I've seen crisis pretty much once a week for a couple months now and none of them believe me either. Anyway, while I was at the hospital but before my doctor threatened me, I politely called Sophie out on her self-harm/suicide attempts, Shell on her bingeing/purging, Samuel on his... psychotic behaviors, and Alex on her just plain bitchyness. The whole system was upset we had to go back to the hospital and the four trouble makers finally agreed not to get in the way of living my life. When I tried to tell my doctor that they had agreed not to hurt me anymore he looked me blankly in the face and said "I do not believe a word that comes out of your mouth." I was crushed. I bawled my eyes out because I just got the difficult ones to finally cooperate and now I was being told that it didn't even matter. So I'm hoping that once the doctor takes me completely off the medication they'll slowly come back. Even after one day without the medicine (because my parents haven't picked up my refill yet) I already got a little bit of communication with two of them again. Lizzy said that they didn't leave me, the medicine just made them all very tired.

I'll update again once my doctor gets me completely off the new medicine and let everyone know if our system goes back to normal. It's been really helpful to hear that so many other people know what I'm going through!

Also, it's a little strange that the doctor there knew so little about MPD/DiD considering there was a girl in the hospital with me who was actually diagnosed DiD, but she had a completely opposite kind of system than mine. She only new three or four of their names, she didn't hear them talk to her, and when she would switch no one could even tell. It seemed like she didn't switch one time all week, whereas I was switching a bunch of times a day.

So I saw my therapist yesterday (a good one, that actually believes me and stuff) and after I told him everything that happened he was like "That douchebag..." and was super apologetic about what happened to me there. Then we started talking about why everyone left the headspace. The doctor at the hospital said it was because "I finally told the truth" but I thought it was the medication. My therapist thinks everyone was just scared I was going to make them all leave and we both agreed that we wouldn't try to get rid of them, and we would focus on making sure that if I need to, I can take back control if one of them goes back on what they promised. And we agreed not to talk to my parents about any of this because my dad is super against the thought of me being a multiple, he's against me being different in any way at all...oh well though, as long as I know my therapist believes me and we're on the same page with where we want to go with this, I can see a silver lining after all! He said he might want to keep me on the medicine after all because apparently its just for stabilizing my mood, not getting rid of the voices, which just promotes his thought that the others were just scared. I've been trying to reopen communication with them, telling them that they are real and not to believe what that mean doctor said and stuff and telling them that our therapist believes in them. I've started hearing about five of them again. So far I've gotten back Jack, Lizzy, Shell, Alex, and Logan. Maybe in time the others will return too.
Thanks to everyone that's been commenting on my story and being so helpful about help getting off the medicine (which I don't need to do anymore thankfully!) and just giving me a kind word and believing me! It's really been helpful, but after that session yesterday I think things are really going to work out after all :) 
Hey all,

Just FYI, the link to Many Voices in the User Info page is slightly off. It's written as http://www.manyvoicespress.com but it should really be http://www.manyvoicespress.org . The .com address does automatically redirect to the .org address, but if you have certain security settings set in your browser the redirect doesn't work.


Let's remember what this community is for

If you ask me, Myorp are right. I will not make excuses for any of the admins, but there has been serious lack of communication between our groups, which has resulted in a lot of things neglected that should have been attended to promptly.

This community is for people who want to discuss being multiple. You can talk about how you are multiple, learn from others how they are multiple similarly or differently from you, get advice or examples that might benefit your system. All without worrying about whether you are doing it "right" or having to live up to anyone else's standards. We're here to discuss being multiple, not to get into endless and useless arguments.

The bullying has to stop, the snarking has to stop, and the dropping of little innocent-seeming phrases that are really meant to put others on the defensive and cause lengthy and fruitless argument. All of that, out.

If you can't discuss multiplicity -- be it natural multiplicity, otherkin, soulbonding/fictives, MPD/DID, whatever -- in a courteous, civilized manner, you will be banned. God knows I don't like to be a hard ass about this stuff, but this has gone far enough.

I'm getting complaints from people who simply don't feel they can write about their experiences in this community. My guess is that there are plenty of others who have left quietly because they don't feel they belong in the community as it is now.

I am meeting with both the Fenners and Amorpha this evening to discuss exactly who, what and how.


I did get one good thing out of therapy....or, partly it was therapy.
I do think that I would have been better off, having gotten the information out of books. But I don't know, that's water under the bridge. Everyone who knows me, knows I feel therapy did me a great deal of harm.

But anyway. The one thing it did give me, was the notion that *just maybe* my memories were of things that had really happened, and not just a lot of evil sinfulness that I was making up because the devil had ahold of me....and yadda yadda, I'm sure you've heard the rest of *that* evangelical bullsh******t.

Later, when my stepdad was elderly and diabetic and in my mom's care, I saw some things re-enacted, and I knew for absolutely sure that no, I hadn't made it up or exaggerated it.

Meanwhile, though, I do think that the thought of 'maybe I'm not lying', kept me from suicide long enough to get to that point.

I know this sounds rather along the 'disordered' rather than 'empowered' line of thought....and what I would say to that, is that I think trauma-multis have every bit as much right to empower ourselves, as....well, anyone else. I would compare it to losing one's hearing in adulthood, and joining the deaf community as a fully empowered and whole person. (And I do know there are some rifts in the deaf community, just like there are in the multiple community. I'm just sayin', I feel like those rifts are pretty useless.)

dissociation or actual people?

I've been wondering lately whether these other people in my head are actual people or if they're just me being dissociative, and how to figure it out. My therapist refuses to entertain the possibility that they're actual people, so no help there. Can anyone think of some way to find out..? Or is this one of those "only you can tell" sorts of things?


EDIT: Look, the therapist comment was just to say that I'm not getting any help from him. He does NOT affect the fact that I don't know whether I'm just dissociating or if they're real people, and this question would have probably been asked with or without him. I have a lot of issues to deal with, and I am not seeing him for multiplicity, it only comes up because I told him about it once and he asks about it if we run out of other things to talk about. He's even told me that it's okay if I don't believe him. His stance is that they are dissociation, not people, and that there is a reason why they are there, and that I need to ask them until they give me an answer other than "well, why are *you* here?" I disagree with him about the question, but I do not know what to think about whether they're dissociation-induced or real people. Some days I believe they're real, some days not. Today, for example, I do believe they are real and separate people and that I'm not even the first one who was here. Two days ago, I believed we were all the same person and that I was dissociating sometimes, and sometimes "I" even thought that while talking to others or while being someone else.

I appreciate all your comments, I really do, just please leave my therapist out of it, because he has very little to do with this question.

Coming out as gay blog, on Blogspot.

I have a new coming-out blog over on Blogspot - it's around coming out gay, but that's certainly not all there is to it. What it *is* about one hundred percent of the time, is individuality and the value of independent thought. I think (hope) it's also funny, at least part of the time.
Funny part of the time, thought-provoking all the time. (If it's not, then I'm doing something wrong.)

Pyraxis found the link for me, and it's


If anyone would like to give it a look-see, there it is.

Figured Stuff Out...

Mostly due to Nathan being brutally honest with me.

Basically, the fact that I had 80+ soulbonds/others in my head was a strain on my emotions. As in he thinks it's why I had a breakdown. Nathan said that he was surprised that I had held on for so long. Now, Nathan is also a multiple. And he had the same problem that I did.

So yesterday evening-after the Arceus movie where besides his voice being dumb I enjoyed it-I sent about...*thinks* 16 or 17 to Jordan's mind to live there and sent 5 to Melissa's mind to live there. :3 I'm keeping 38...*notices that all but two of her others are in her mind and only 2 went to Jordan's mind* Huh. And then the rest...(like 21 or so...)...I'm...*thinks of how to put it* I'm reabsorbing them? They'll kind of...become a part of me...I...guess....

I didn't originally want to do it, but all my others and soulbonds kind of agreed that the fact that there were so many of them was hurting me emotionally/mentally and the ones that are going to be absorbed understand and don't really mind...

Which I don't get. But...it won't be painful for them or anything...really, the ones I'm reabsorbing are soulbonds from, like, watching a movie or a random TV show.

...I know that there are multiples that have a TON of people in their minds and function fine, but the way I form bonds with my others/soulbonds is so that I can really only have a certain number before it starts to affect me negatively. Which...well...I was getting to be very emotionally unstable. Which is bad.

....Yeah. So...that's really it. *hugs you guys* ...Anyway, comment if you can/want...:3

-Mary of the Black Sunflower Collection


Just Wondering...

Have any of you ever formed pathways into another person's mind? We talk to two people every single day on the phone-they're multiple as well-and thus our others and soulbonds freely travel between minds...just wondering.
-Mary of the Black Sunflower Collection (which is...nearly/at least 60 O.o)

Anyone see that new movie, 9?

I've been obsessing over it since I finally saw it a few days ago. I think everyone around me is getting sick of me going on about it.

cut for spoilersCollapse )


Wonderful Radio Ad!

So the other day we were driving home from work, listening to one of our favorite radio stations and it goes to commercial. We weren't paying attention so we didn't tune away like we normally do and are we ever glad we didn't!!

I think it was the second commercial and the familiar voice of the spokesman for Central Bank, a local bank headquartered here in Jefferson City, Missouri.

He said something like this(imagine it being spoken in a slightly "down home" accent):

"Hello again folks! From time to time we here at Central Bank like to dig into the mailbag and see what our customers are saying, and recently we got this letter: 'Hi, my name's Steve and I have multiple personalities! We were wanting to know if its possible to set up a bank account for each one of us so we can manage our finances better?'

"Well Steve here at Central Bank we offer free checking services for all your needs(he talks about the checking features for a moment). So, whether you want separate accounts for bills and for recreation, or if you want an account for Stan, Samuel, Shirley, and James, remember, at Central Bank, we can take care of you!"

I was floored because I was expecting some kind of "punch-line" or some sort of weird intonation that made it clear that it was all just "cleverness" in advertising. But instead he finished it matter-of-factly and the whole thing felt very oddly like they had seriously had that happen and thought it made a good selling point for their free checking!

It is sort of part of a series of good simple commercials about how they can solve even somewhat obscure banking issues and I realize it likely was just a clever idea someone in marketing came up with, but the way it was presented and done made me extremely happy that there was nothing about the commercial that could really be considered prejudicial and also that we bank with them! :D

Tomorrow I think I am going to send them an email telling them how much we appreciate how cool they were to make a commercial like that and see if we can get an mp3 of it or something to share on here. I dunno what they'll say but maybe they'll appreciate the free advertising?

Heh. Anyway, thought some of you would appreciate an example of even a simple commercial that didn't show us in a negative or even "freakish" light... but rather just like any other group of customers :)

~Kent for Puzzles




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